


Perfect Moments

by sleepdeprivedphilosopher



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, M/M, One Shot, Post-Wayward Son, Sorry About It, Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 13:16:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20948942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepdeprivedphilosopher/pseuds/sleepdeprivedphilosopher
Summary: If relationships were moments, ours would be the greatest.But they're not.On the plane ride home, Simon does some thinking. When you can't see a future can love be enough?





	Perfect Moments

**Author's Note:**

> hey void, 
> 
> so I'm not sure where this came from, but it has been knocking around in my head ever since I finished Wayward Son. I dunno I guess I can kind of relate to simon. where his head is currently at I mean. I've been there myself. depression is a terrible thing. not only for the usual reasons but also because it messes with your mind. makes you believe all kinds of things that aren't true. like how most people are better off without you. or that you can't have a future. 
> 
> and being depressed doesn't mean you can't ever be happy. that you can't ever have those perfect moments. you can. you do. they just aren't enough. relationships aren't just those movies moments they're everything else (good and bad), that comes after. 
> 
> so yeah I wrote a little bit about that. I believe with all my heart that baz and simon will get there eventually, but these things take time. that's just life, ya know?
> 
> anyway enough of me rambling. thanks for reading.
> 
> enjoy?

I don't have the words to say.

I never do. But especially in this.

A week ago, I almost broke up with Baz. Then Penny walked in. Then we went to America. Where Baz got sunburnt, felt up by a goat, and flirted with a Vampire King. Where Penny got her heart broken, and maybe her confidence too. Where we picked up a normal tagalong and somehow also Agatha.

Where I got called a kitten by a dragon and shot at, where my wings became something other than a menace needing spelled away, and instead became helpful, instead became freedom. (I've been feeling so trapped lately. It was nice to be free).

Where we killed vampires together, and Baz and I kissed underneath the vast American night sky. Where, for a second, we felt okay.

Where I felt okay.

Where I started to think I would be okay.

Eventually.

But now.

Now I think it was just another perfect moment in time. Most of my perfect moments involve Baz (practically all of them if I exclude food-related ones). That's what we're good at after all.

Perfect moments.

Those memories you pull out and look at when you're sad, the memories that have a dreamlike movie quality to them.

The ones where you think _it can't get better than this_, and you're right. If relationships were moments, ours would be the greatest.

But they're not.

They're day to day routine and morning breath. They're takeout in front of the telly where neither of you talks. They're fighting and resolving only to fight some more. They're exhausting because they require effort. They're vulnerability because they take up space in your heart — the most breakable part of you.

They're everything. They're too much to lose.

They're communication, and I still don't have the words.

Baz deserves better. Maybe Simon in America was better, but not Simon Right Now. Simon Right Now flinches when Baz gets too close and never meets his eyes. This Simon goes days without talking and has his permanent address listed as the couch.

This Simon loves him but doesn't think love is enough.

And he deserves someone who can offer him more than perfect moments. Baz deserves someone more than me.

Don't misunderstand I don't want to lose Baz. I don't want to lose the most perfect thing I've ever called mine, but I also don't want to hurt him, and I know that I am. I can see it in his eyes. In the careful way, he held me in the truck bed. In the hesitant way, he kissed me back.

In the way, he keeps glancing at me now.

Baz is sitting next to me on the plane. His leg pressed against mine, and his hand is resting on the armrest. I look at his hand. It's a lovely hand, just like the rest of him, and I always feel the urge to hold it. Even when I'm at my worst, a small part of me wants to take his hand. Usually, my apathy overwhelms the urge, and I don't. But now I can't feel the apathy. It's too far away. Maybe Simon in America is still here.

I take his hand and squeeze it. He squeezes back. Maybe I can't give him forever, but I can give him right now.

Maybe we're doomed, but we can have this moment. Where he's beautiful and mine, and we lived through another near-death experience. Where the sunset is lighting up his eyes, and he's smiling at me a little.

Where we've stumbled into another perfect moment.

Where I smile back at him, and it doesn't hurt. Where I feel close to him, and instead of feeling trapped, I feel free.

Where I think we'll last forever.

I'll enjoy this. I'll squeeze every bit of happiness out of it as hard as I'm squeezing his hand. I'll live in this moment.

Since I don't know how many more we have left.

**Author's Note:**

> this post was completed at 4:20 on a Tuesday morning. 
> 
> I don't have any excuses. 
> 
> -still sleep deprived.


End file.
